Chapter 1 of my Upcoming Book (Rough Draft) "Terminal Hope: Living Through Cancer and Trauma"

                                                  

                                                                CHAPTER ONE

                                                   The Beginning of the End

 

 

    "Why would I miss three calls from a doctor on a Saturday if it wasn't serious, right?" That's all I kept telling myself as I tried to gather the courage to call her back. I've always had social anxiety and trouble calling even close friends I've known my whole life and now I have to somehow keep myself together while a doctor tells me the worst possible news someone can hear. I press the dial-back button and wait as it starts ringing. Every fiber of my being tells me to hang up, but I don't. She answers and I say, " Hi this is Amber Siminich, I missed a few calls from you....." She stops me. "Oh yes, we have been trying to reach you" She tried making small talk, she was driving and answered so I knew it must be important. I wanted to hear none of it, but I am polite, so I listen and fake laugh, waiting to hear the news. Finally, after what seemed like hours she said " Your biopsy results did come back, and it is cancer. My breathing completely stopped. It's called invasive ductal carcinoma, it's the most common of all breast cancers. That was supposed to make me feel better. She was silent. I had researched breast cancers for months and I had seen that early stages have a pretty good survival rate. So my first question was, "What stage is it?" she replied "We won't know that for a few weeks, we will have to run a few more tests and then we will be able to tell you that, you should also get genetic testing done" I tried to remind myself to breathe, I was pacing my house and so out of breath and I could tell she could hear it in my voice, the pure panic. I simply thanked her got the directions to the next steps and hung up the phone. I started to cry. Not knowing where to go or what to do. I was completely alone. I ended up driving to the only friend I had in Toledo. She walked into the kitchen, anyone with two eyes should been able to see the panic on my face, but she had not. She started to talk about her upcoming move and how annoying her landlords were being, and I interrupted her. "I just got a call from my breast surgeon, it's breast cancer" I looked at her, looking for some sort of comfort. I needed someone to tell me it would be okay, anything at all. I didn't get a whole lot. I was completely lost. That would be just the first of many instances where I needed someone, and they were nowhere to be found or perhaps just didn't know what to say so said nothing at all. Cancer can be so completely and utterly lonely. I have cancer myself and sometimes I don't even know what to say when someone tells me they have cancer so I understand finding the right words can be hard for some people. There's such a thing as "Cancer Ghosting" though. It's so common, that there's a term for it sadly. It's pretty much your family and friends completely disappearing after you are diagnosed with cancer. The one time in your life you need them and they "ghost" you. One thing I have learned since being diagnosed is you find out who your friends and family are during such a hard time such as cancer. I have been shocked by just how many strangers have reached out to me or helped me in some way or people I haven't seen or heard from since high school or middle school. Those people have saved me so many times over when people I thought were my closest friends were nowhere to be found. It's been three years now and luckily; I think I've weeded out all the crappy friends and family that were just in my life to be nosy and didn't care for me at all. Sometimes, the trash takes itself out right when you need it to. I am so thankful for the many friends and cancer brothers and sisters I have met along the way that keep me going. I've learned during times like these you have to be able to suck down your pride and learn how to rely on people and ask for help if you need it and be vulnerable because your rawness and vulnerability might just be helping someone else and that's what life is all about, having empathy for the next person, helping each other, good friends and family and the ability to enjoy life's smallest moments, which you will realize hopefully sooner rather than later, are the big moments. I did all of the tests they needed me to do. I remember having a bad gut feeling. My mother never wanted to go to the doctor's because she was always afraid, they would tell her she had a terminal disease like my dad did. By the time doctors found my dad's cancer he only had a few months to live, and I guess that sort of became my fear also, even though I hadn't realized it until then. After what seemed to be a lifetime, I got another phone call. This phone call was somehow a million times worse than the first one. It was Stage 4. TERMINAL. I started crying, hyperventilating, unable to think straight. The doctor is silent for what seems like forever. She finally says, "We can almost treat this like a chronic disease, many women live a lot of years with this." I know she is trying her best to calm me down and give me hope which I appreciated so much. I still hang on to those words when I am really down and defeated. Three years later, I have honestly lived more than I ever did before I had cancer. I have learned so many lessons and have grown so much as a person, friend, and mother. In some sick way, I can say cancer has both been a blessing and a curse. I feel the need to share what I have learned along the way and share it with you in hopes that maybe it will help you in some way. The median life expectancy for stage 4 breast cancer is 36 months. I just celebrated my 3-year cancerversary. I can only hope that means I get to be one of the lucky ones who live many years with this awful illness. I want nothing more than to watch my daughters grow up. They need me so badly and I just refuse to leave them. So, this is the beginning of the end I guess, but I plan on packing in a whole lot of life into this so-called "end" This is also the beginning of my life story. Life has kicked my ass many, many times over, through addiction, losing my parents before the age of 25, losing so many friends way too young, domestic and sexual violence,
abusive relationships, being a single mom with no family and very little support system, mental illness and so much more it seems like. It has been a crazy ride, but I have learned so much and I can only hope this can be my legacy. I hope I can help someone, anyone from falling down a bad path or feeling alone in your darkest moments.