The Before and After of Cancer

 The Before and After of Cancer

One of the hardest parts of having cancer and going through all the trauma I have gone through in the past few decades is looking in the mirror at someone you just don't recognize anymore. It's different than finding a new wrinkle or grey hair. It's like looking at a complete stranger sometimes.

One of my hobbies most of my life was makeup and hair. My mom would make fun of me because she said I couldn't even go to the gas station without being in full makeup and my hair done. I was confident and felt good about how I looked. Now I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful. I went from 130 at 5'7 to 180. I'm always afraid to run into someone I haven't seen since getting cancer because I'd be so embarrassed with how much my body has changed for the worse. 

I now put on makeup on very rare occasions and don't really know how to properly dress this new body. Then you are forced into menopause at 29 years old and there goes any chance of ever finding love. I have to get dentures at 31 now, I spend any extra money I may have on my kids clothes so I don't have anything that makes me feel pretty. I don't go out very much anymore. I'm embarrassed. I miss feeling good about myself. I miss feeling like my age and not like some 90 year old broken woman. 

Your looks aren't the only thing that may change. I've been on medication for depression and anxiety since my dad died when I was 15. I've always struggled with my mental health. But, what I thought couldn't get worse, of course DID. I sometimes think if it wasn't for my babies, I wouldn't be here. They are sometimes, (most of the time) the only reason I'm still alive. I'd of course never leave them on purpose. The depression gets so bad it's hard to shower, clean, talk to people, and even leave the house. Some days it gets so bad, I really want to reach out and really need a hug, I can't remember the last time I got a hug and was told "everything will be ok"...... and sometimes that's all I want. I go weeks without human contact other than my kids. Sometimes I can't help but feel all alone in this and like my life doesn't matter to very many people. I'm scared of being forgotten.

You also start seeing the beauty in the smallest things. The stuff you didn't take the time to notice before. I cherish every little moment. I appreciate beautiful sunsets so much more. I say "I love you" every chance I get. I've learned to slow down and let myself enjoy the moment, whatever it may be. 

I lost friends but also gained some great ones. Nobody warns you that cancer abandonment is real. The people you thought would be there for you through the hardest time of your life may just disappear. Sometimes because they can't handle it emotionally or just simply because your not "fun" anymore and talk "too much about cancer' but It cleared up the space in my life for a couple people who actually care about me and my kids. People who ask me how I'm doing, offer me help, take the time to learn about my specific disease to better understand me and what I'm going through. Cancer is a lot of bad but there's some good things too. You'll find your people. Even if it isn't very many, it's quality over quantity. 

To put it short, cancer changes everything. You won't be the same person ever again. That's good and bad. I try to take it as my biggest life lesson yet. I'm still growing and learning. I don't want to die with so many regrets. I want my story and my mistakes to reach someone. I want to have someone say because of me, their life is better in some way.

 Cancer changes everything and takes so much from you but one thing it can't take is my wisdom, my experiences, or my heart ❤️❤️

Before

After...

And some days I still got it 😜