What I've learned since being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

 What I've learned since being diagnosed with terminal cancer. 

1. How much time I wasted. On bad relationships, bad friends, caring what everyone thought of me, worrying, being scared to do anything , On wishing days would go by just so I could sleep and not think for a while. On actually having suicidal thoughts in the past, and just thinking how stupid of a thought that was because here I am gladly taking poison every three weeks. Now I'd do anything to live to see 40. To see my kids become adults. I just want to live, I have so much more to do and see and experience. I spent so much time being miserable, self conscious and sometimes just plain stupid instead of living in the moment, getting out of my comfort zone and allowing myself to come out of my shell. So much time getting walked on because I wanted people to like me. I can't tell people no like I should and I needed to stick up for myself and I never did. All so stupid. We're not promised tomorrow, so all that matters at the end is the small things. Just laying around watching Netflix with the girls or the smile on their faces as soon as they see me after school, or the excitement for another tomorrow. When the possibilities were endless. Cherish that for as long as you can.

2. Just how deep a mother's love is. Since being diagnosed, I've ever really sat and thought about me dying, and how I feel or even fear it or not. I haven't been able to grieve for my life yet because that's not the worst part, having to leave my babies here, having to say goodbye is what keeps me up nights. I have to be here for them and watch them become adults at least and just knowing how devastating it will be for them from losing my parents young myself. How lonely it gets, never being as comfortable as you are at mom's house. Having real unconditional love around. I would give anything to hug my parents one more time but I wouldn't imagine losing them at this age, like this. And I won't be there to hug them and tell them it'll be ok and how much I love them and it's a living nightmare. A mother's love is so strong it takes your breathe away. I would do any amount of chemo for however long I possibly could to give them great memories of me and of us, together.

3. You find out who your friends are. It's during these times people show their true colors. Pay attention. This is when the people who actually love you come out and comfort you and allow you to be vulnerable and not make you feel bad for asking for help sometimes. They are your village. You have to have people to lean on. We all do. You're fake friends and family will completely disappear. No worries. I wish I had more friends, I feel like so very few understand me. Sometimes it feels like I've already been forgotten. I worry I haven't impacted anyone's lives in any meaningful way. I am never a best friend , I've never truly been in love yet, I have no family outside of my girls, sometimes I don't hear from anyone for weeks I'm scared I'm not going to be missed. Is that narcissistic? I'm lucky enough to have a few great people in my life I feel like I can depend on and we don't need to talk everyday, our relationship remains the same and if I ever needed them they'd do whatever they could to help me, those people keep you sane. Without them, I'd truly be all alone. I'm so grateful for them. I'm so grateful my kids will still have them after I'm gone. 

Complete strangers are sometimes your biggest fans. There's so many people I've either never met or barely know or haven't  seen in over a decade either donate, fix my car, dropped us off dinners, food and clothes. They helped with bills and holiday help and made sure my kids were never without anything. They have Doordashed us food and they'll even notice when they haven't heard from me in a while and check in with me. I'm so lucky. I still after all this cancer crap still can feel lucky. I know in so many ways I am blessed . Nobody should have to do this alone and I've learned it's ok to ask for help. I shouldn't allow myself to suffer in silence just because I'm embarrassed to ask because I'm 31 and should be doing everything on my own. I don't like asking for help or depending on anyone but I've learned it's ok to be vulnerable and show the real side of cancer. It's not all pink ribbons and cute t shirts. Not everyone has people around all the time to help them on the bad days and sometimes it's not like the movies at all, with a new casserole dish on the porch each day of the week. So I want to be real. Sometimes I cry on TikTok 🤣 Some people like to see the good, the bad and ugly. It makes the story complete. Those complete strangers on #cancertok I now think of as some of my closest friends. We understand each other so we'll, we still are able to laugh at ourselves and live the best we can while our bodies are trying to kill us. Their is a special bond you get when it comes to cancer, when strangers become family. Those people are the only ones who know what it's truly like. How hard it is to put on that brave face everyone wants to see. They know real fear. But still keep going. You find this crazy inner beast inside of you, you didn't know existed until you got cancer. They inspire me everyday. Those are true friends. I cry to show people the reality of this disease, don't get me wrong I still have good days but being 31, a single mom with no family and a 'hopefully' slow terminal disease while also being forced into menopause while also struggling with my mental health is not as easy as I make it out to be 😜 Some days I get up and am so upbeat and positive , I tell myself it will be ok. Your kids are going to be ok. Whatever the outcome.  There's lots of long term survivors who brag about seeing their babies graduate or get married now and they were just babies when they were first diagnosed 20-25 years now. There's no reason I can't be one of them......and then there are days when I can't get out of bed, I go hungry because I'm too weak and tired to go make myself something to eat and of course it'd be nice to have people drop me off their best recipes sometimes I know I need help,  even strangers. But I don't ask because of my pride and feeling like I burden everyone.  I want to spend what time I hàve left making new friends. Learning about people. Being someone's best friend. Being the person people can go to, someone to make fun memories with. It makes me cry to think "nobody loves me that much" or "I don't have enough friend's or am I really that special to anyone. Maybe that's true but the depression that comes along with this disease is what tries to kill you faster. I want to show people that although we are strong and fighters, doesn't mean it's bad to ask for help when you need it. I know it annoys some people but being vulnerable and open might help the cancer patient across the country that doesn't feel so alone now that she knows she wasn't the only one having a complete mental breakdown today and that's enough for me.  I think if I could go back and do one thing differently is would be to try harder at making friendships. Keeping them. I don't think soulmates are just  two people who get married. Friend soulmates are a real thing. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone and able to be myself and be weird not worry about them judging me. I think every girl needs just a few of those to keep them together and I hope when I do pass on, I'm surrounded by the people I could truly call my friends and chosen family laughing and cracking jokes as always,  telling good stories we shared together and people who will make sure to remind my kids every time they see them how much they meant to me and look out for them like I would have. Don't be afraid to talk to them about me. Don't let them forget they made my entire life. If your still fucking reading this ....congrats we are friends now ☺️ 

4. People will give you unwanted advice and tips. They will tell you one of their loved ones had cancer and they died And tell you dog dewormer and kale is the answer. You will also hear the term "we're all terminal " way too many times. You get used to it after a while 😂😜

5. You'll lose hope From time to time. As much as the most positive upbeat, optimist some people can be, your going to have a few good cries in the shower and some gloomy days where you just feel sorry for yourself and that is more than ok. We're human. So many people have the same fears and thoughts as you and don't reach out because they think nobody will understand but I've learned a lot of us are more alike then we think. You'll have good days and moments still, don't let cancer make you hard. There's always hope! 

6. Learning is actually cool after all. It sucks I spent so much time on my phone and computer as a teen and thinking the only thing that was cool was cheerleading and then after that drugs, (That story comes later) I spent good years I could've learned more useful hobbies or talents. When someone told me I was dying, after the initial shock wore off all I could think about is all the stuff I want to learn and do and see. The world is exciting and strange and beautiful. When you know your death is coming, not only do you have to distract yourself so you don't go completely nuts but you also have a whole new perspective on everything! Your not the same person you were before cancer. I want to learn to crochet and sew, I have always wanted to learn how to paint and get a bunch of canvas boards and really stick to something finally until I'm good at it. I want to take a cooking class and try different foods, I want to ride a horse one more time. I want to volunteer at the animal shelter. I wanna meet my favorite celebrity. Or like any celebrity. I want to read more, I want to learn photography. I want to write a book. I want to share my story. I want to help people. Not just with cancer The one good thing about experiencing so much trauma is I'm a great listener and give good advice, (even if I can't take my own) and absolutely no judgement or gossiping. I've been through my parents last breaths, four close friends I had died this year. (No not from cancer.) I've dealt with sexual assault, domestic violence, drug addiction, being a single mom mental illness. BPD, depression, anxiety. If your reading this and are struggling and need someone just to listen please reach out! Your not a burden and neither am I. 

7. You think you have the time. Some of us do. People will see their great grandkids but some don't. Stop assuming you have tomorrow. Always tell people you love how you feel about them. Say what you have to say to someone now. I'm slowly learning how to live in the moment. My anxiety is always on high and I overthink everything so I never allow myself to just relax and go with the flow, but that's the way life should be lived I think. Good things will happen and so will bad in life, there's no way around it so worrying and over planning and trying to perfect imperfect things won't change anything , I wish I wasn't so shy my whole life and insecure. I should've embarrassed myself more. I should've danced more and sang bad karaoke more and gotten in a fight 😂 I'm more focused now than ever to make as many good memories as I can. The ones that outlast my death. 

8. Life can be hard but you can find the lesson and beauty in so much still. When I found out I was terminal, it was like I opened my eyes for the first time. Every little thing has so much more meaning. The sky is more beautiful. Those inside jokes you have with friends are funnier. I find myself admiring nature more, finding beauty in things I never noticed before. Every second was a gift. A gift I will run out of soon and I don't want to take advantage of what I have now before I lose it. I want to make the absolute most I can with my life. Terminal cancer sucks, but the time I have now is so much more meaningful and cherished.

9. Aging really is a gift. I feel absolutely stupid about being upset over 23, 26, 29. Always complaining how old I feel and how bad it sucked. Now, I'm praying just to make it to my mid thirties, I've always seen myself as an old lady one day, rocking on my rocking chair , covered in grandkids and that's been stolen from me. Aging is beautiful. So many don't get the privilege to get that far. 

10. Do what makes you happy. 

don't listen to what other people say or think of you. Don't waste good years on bad people who only want you around when they need something, Cherish the little things, make as many memories as you can. Get in the picture or video, even if you think you look like shit. Get to know yourself. None of us are getting out of life alive, so have as much fun as you can. Life's too short to be pissed off or crying all the time. We still need our food days. Now if only I could take my own advice 😜❤️❤️