Chapter 2 of my book ""Terminal Hope: Living Through Cancer and Trauma"

Chapter 2

The Before

    My Childhood was almost an ideal one. I had my mom and dad and two older sisters, My mother always made us great meals and we always had a clean house. Christmases were amazing. I actually never knew we were poor until I was much older. They always made things happen. I was daddy's little girl but so very attached to my mother. She actually had to work at my school in kindergarten and first grade just so I would actually go. She was my comfort. The first trauma I can remember going through was the loss of my father . The event of my father's death when I was just fifteen years old marked the beginning of a journey filled with emotional and inner struggles. The sense of abandonment and loss of guidance created a void that seemed unsurmountable at that tender age. I didn't get much support at the time. My mother, who was always very religious just kept telling me, "He's in a better place." I felt so lost. I was one of the only people in the room with him when he took his last breath and it was terrifying. I can close my eyes today and still see it. I always wonder what my life would be like if he were still alive. i know id never have to struggle for anything and neither would my children. After that was a downward spiral. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, which eventually led to using drugs and being taken advantage of. I had no self worth. I became a shell of who I use to be. My mother eventually moved me to Tennessee to try to get ne away from the drugs. It didn't work. One time when my mom and her boyfriend were gone I went to my moms room and found one of her fentanyl patches. They distribute medicine slowly over three days. Well, I decided to chew it. Then I was in such a good mood I decided to go tanning at the salon. I don't even remember making it to the room. Someone luckily noticed I was in there too long and called 911 were they knocked down the door and found me lifeless and naked in a tanning bed. I'm not sure how long i was out for but i woke up puking on a nurses shoes in a hospital room. They were asking me what i took, my social security number and my moms number. Before i knew it my mother was over me, crying. I felt so ashamed i could barely look at her. The doctor said if someone hadnt had found me within another minute or so he wouldn't have brought me back. They shoved a tube down my nose to my stomach and i spent a few days in the ICU. You'd think that would be enough to wake me up and make me change. but you'd think wrong.

    Eventually, we moved back to Michigan where things just got worse, I was raped on multiple occasions, taken advantage of, left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, treated like complete trash, because that's how I felt about myself. I wish i could go back and hug that girl and tell her how incredible she is and better days are coming. My mother and I were fighting one day, she called the cops and she wanted me to go to the psych ward, the cops took me, my mom sat in a chair in my room when the doctor came over and quietly told me I was pregnant. I wasn't as shocked as I thought id be. My mom just said I need to make up my mind now, meaning I cant go on the way I am and raise a baby but I had already made up my mind. It's like I changed in that exact moment. I stopped talking to anyone I knew who did drugs, I quit smoking, wouldn't even eat hot dogs. It was just me and my mom together, taking walks, seeing my little miracle on the sonogram, she held my hand when I was in labor. She was on a fixed income and somehow got me everything I needed for the baby and more. She could move mountains. Audra made her appearance January 29th, 2013. She cried a little then lifted her little head and looked at me as soon as I started talking to her. It was the love I didn't know i needed. She saved my life in so many ways. I look back at that lost little girl and have no idea who she was. You couldn't pay me to do the stuff i did back then, it seems like a totally different person. I'm so grateful for that little girl. She has grown  up with me and made me a better person. 

    I had absolutely no idea what i was doing. I learned as i went along. Being a single mom is no small feat—it's taking on the role of both parents, juggling work, household responsibilities, and making endless sacrifices. It's about being strong when you feel like crumbling, being resilient when the world throws challenges your way, and being a pillar of unwavering support for your children. Despite the hardships and sleepless nights, being a single mom is about embracing the chaos with fierceness and determination. So, to all the single moms out there, stand tall with pride, for your love and dedication are unmatched, and you are truly superheroes in disguise. I am so grateful for the second chance at life. I was still lost, still had much more trauma coming my way but I knew if i could make it though all of that hell, I could make it through everything and anything.......and I have.

In this blog, I want to share the raw emotions of navigating life as a young, single mother faced with the devastating news of terminal cancer at 29. Having lost my mom and dad at a young age, I thought I had already experienced the worst life could throw at me. But nothing could have prepared me for the moment the doctor uttered those dreaded words.
Alone and without a support system, I found myself drowning in fear and uncertainty. Each day brought new challenges and emotions to grapple with, from grappling with the reality of my diagnosis to wondering about my child's future without me. Despite the overwhelming darkness, I strive to find glimmers of light and hope amidst the chaos, clinging to the love and memories that sustain me on this tumultuous journey. Join me as I navigate this difficult path with courage, vulnerability, and the unwavering determination to cherish every moment I have left. Every Bit of my story has brought me to this and without those tough moments, I wouldn't have the strength to do all of this now. It always comes full circle somehow.